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‘I’m not having sex until I’m married’

In a culture where strangers share beds for a night, true love is an endangered species inching its way toward extinction.

This is a world where the brokenhearted sleep together for a night and wait for a call to validate their worth. They place their value in the hands of a stranger and then feel worthless when the phone doesn’t ring or the text doesn’t deliver.

I am not a love expert, but I am a firm believer in honesty.

Honestly, I am 20 years old, I have never been kissed, and I am waiting until marriage to have sex.

I don’t play the guessing game, and have no interest in participating.

Love does not come after sex, it cannot be forced where it does not belong.

Marriage is a dead concept to most, it is treated as the last act of a person’s life, a pyrrhic victory at best. But that’s what love is, love is selfless, not living for yourself but for someone else, dying to your own selfish needs and thriving to serve another.

In today’s society my values make me a “prude,” “unattractive,” or “overly religious” woman. Yet no word used by an outsider to describe me, would come as a surprise.

Growing up I struggled with insecurities, derived from being called many names, none of which were my actual name. I began believing I had nothing to offer anyone physically or mentally. My self esteem was utterly dependent on the feelings of complete strangers.

I was constantly drowning in the belief that love could only be felt in a romantic way, through a relationship. Once my parents filed for a divorce, my fairy tale dreams of the perfect relationship drew to an end. I became obsessed with the way I looked, thinking this would define what I deserved, but my mind grew and expanded in undeniable ways. I began to ponder what I believed in, and what kind of faith resonated within me.

Once I received my driver license, I began taking myself to church, reading books by a variety of authors and essentially began writing around the same time. I took walks by myself and drove places by myself, I prayed and I waited for my heart to change.

It wasn’t an overnight process, I was awakened a little more with each day, learning things about the mind that I never knew were there.

One year ago, I took on a job as a personal nanny for a sweet, little girl. When word got out that I was available for watching children, I got a lot of offers to babysit. It was through these opportunities that I learned that love is a choice, it longs to serve another person rather than its own selfish desires. It is through these experiences that I realized all the more how powerful love is.

I am held in ways that I had only dreamed of, I am endlessly kissed by slobbery baby lips, and wanted from the ground up by their stretched out fingertips.

Love can be felt in any situation, from a dog to an owner, from a mom to a dad, from a grandchild to a grandparent. Love is endless.

Love is bare feet pacing back and forth on squeaky floor boards as you put a toddler to bed. Love is carrying your pain-inflicted dog to the car for his last trip to the vet’s office, and holding him as he takes his last breath. Love is selfless and pure. Love is saving the last scoop of coffee grounds for the other person knowing full well you need it more.

Love is dedication to one person, and one person alone. Accepting each other unconditionally regardless of the past, and not treating it as a burden or a legal obligation.

Love is choosing the same person over and over again.

Love is salvaging all that you are and dedicating it to people who value your soul and not just your body.

It wasn’t until about seven months ago, that I began to realize what it meant to be single, that being single was no longer a curse, or a result of anything that I lacked, but because I chose to be single. It wasn’t until then that I believed love was real, and that it is for all of us.

No, I have not experienced what this society considers to be the starting point of love. But I have faith that through patience I will have my chance.

Love is for the lonely, for the forgotten, for those who have lost love and for the unrequited.

I do not fall in love, I choose to delve in it, to grow in it, in all circumstances.

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