A Tragic, Evolutionary Love Tale
Eva David

Once upon a time, there was an artiodactyl couple. They loved each other and spent about 3 years doing almost everything together. One day, though, the female decided to have a girls' night out with her friends. The male was introduced to some of her girlfriends' boyfriends so that he wouldn't be lonely. These other male artiodactyls introduced him to their favorite water sport. He used to play in lakes and rivers with his girlfriend, but she'd get bored with it easily & want to go home. He had never played in the salt water before with a bunch of other males who got as much of a kick out of it as he did. So he had a blast. They would all splash each other, bounce in the waves, spit water at each other, see who could stay under longest, see who could swim most like a fish, etc. It was the best day of his life, and his only regret was that the love of his life wasn't there to share it with him. So he asked the boys if they could all do this again with their girlfriends some day. They were reluctant at first but finally agreed only to prove to him that the girls wouldn't like it.

They were wrong! A few of their girlfriends had more fun than them and beat them at many of their little water games. A few did react as predicted & claimed they were being silly and immature. They complained that the salt water stung their eyes & were grossed out by the seaweed. Sadly, our leading artiodactyl's girlfriend was among the latter. She was loving her ladies' nights & independence from him, so she suggested they just enjoy their individual activities some times & their togetherness other times.

After about a year, though, they found their together time seeming more lonely and empty. They started being a little bitter towards each other because their together time was taking them away from the things they genuinely enjoyed. But he really loved her & worked to make their together time more rewarding. She wasn't impressed with his efforts and became critical of him.

"You're changing, I can't even believe we're the same species anymore!" she'd yell.
"I'm sorry, what do you want me to do? I'll do anything for things to be like how they were," he'd plead.
"No you won't, all you care about is spending all your time in the stupid sea with your stupid new friends."
"That's not true, I care about you. I love you. You mean much more to me than those friends & the sea. I'd give it all up for you."
"Really?"
"Yes."
"But then you wouldn't be happy."
"I was happy with you before I ever went. I can pretend I don't even know about it, pretend it was all a silly dream."
"You'd do that?"
"I'd do anything for you. Hey, why don't we make babies?"
"I don't think I want babies."
"Ok, then we'll do whatever you want to do."
"Well, I like having my alone time and time with just my friends."
"Okay."
"Well. I. So, what do you want?"
"Whatever you want. What would you like from me? Would you like to go check out somewhere new, or just cuddle under some trees, or what?"
"I guess we can just cuddle," she smiled.

They cuddled together and he caressed her lovingly, happy to sill have her by his side. Her thoughts wandered through the night and found themselves quite distant from him. In the morning she suggested that the answer might be to spend more time apart.
"But that's only pushed us farther away from each other."
"Well, maybe that's where we belong. We got together when we were really young, and . . . "
"I can't believe you're saying this!" he began to sob, "you're my everything."
"Please don't, I, I just can't feel the same anymore."

Just then, one of his friends showed up. He tried to compose himself.
"Hey, where've you been, man? The sea's not the same without you!"
"I've not been - I don't know."
"It doesn't matter. What really matters is that we're all going on a trip, and you gotta come!"
"A trip, where?"
"You know that island, we've been eyeing? We want to see if we can make it there."
"What about the girls?"
"They're going to see us off, except a few who are trying too."
"That sounds like fun, but I'd rather stay with my girl."
"NO! No, you should go! I'll see you off with the others & greet you when you return." Then she whispered in his ear, "this could be just what we need," & gave it a little lick.
He was even more enthused than ever. Maybe this fun little adventure would make him seem more sexy to her. He gave her a big kiss & said he couldn't wait to be back with her.

They were off, and he was happier than ever swimming on this great endeavor. It took them two weeks to make it to the island. They found that two weeks in the sea to be much funner than any time they ever spent on land, but his thoughts kept returning to his love. They found all sorts of lush amazing treats on the island. He had to find a way to bring her there with him. Maybe she could stand on his back while he swam through the water so it wouldn't bother her.

When they got back, she wasn't there to welcome him. He went to their home, and she was gone. One of her friends told him that she went off with another artiodactyl. She told her to tell him to go stay in the sea, and she'd know where to find him if she ever chose to look. Somberly, he returned to the sea & stayed alone, not playing with the others. He couldn't turn his back away from the shore. He couldn't stay under for too long without popping up to see if she was there to welcome him back.

His friends & some of their girlfriends spent the rest of their lives beside him trying to cheer him up & get his mind off her. They had babies & raised them in the water, & he'd help care for them & try to look alright around them. All the girls were touched by his dedication & pissed at their old friend for abandoning such a sweet guy. They'd flirt with him & bring him food. He'd smile politely & keep looking towards the shore. They all kept an eye out for her. One day, he finally died of a broken heart.

They all mourned his loss and vowed to find her to tell her of his undying commitment that brought him to die on the shore where he hoped to see her every minute of every day. Nobody could find her. Mothers told their children the story, and they grew up to tell their children the story. All vowing to one day tell her descendants what a mean stupid bitch their grandma was. And to this day, though these artiodactyls evolved for a marine dwelling life, they keep popping to the surface to pay homage to his spirit. They refuse to cut off all their links to the land.

They continue to hold their breaths & pop out to breathe in honor & memory of a tragic love story. However, if they ever saw her descendants, they wouldn't recognize them because they'd be hippos. And the hippos wouldn't recognize the whales either. Rather, they'd each shriek and speed off in opposite directions - the whale swearing he saw a hairless, big-assed Sasquatch, & the hippo swearing she saw the Loch Ness monster.

And so ends the tragic story of how a loving couple was broken up by an evolutionary gap. This also ends any curiosity about why whales and other cetaceans never grew gills in 40 million years of marine life adaptations.