Sunday Headline

Henrik Harbin

GOD SAYS "I QUIT"

VATICAN CITY-- In a surprise move, God announced through the Pope and other religious leaders today that He intends to retire at the end of the year.

"It’s just not fun anymore," said God. "I created the Universe to give people a place to live together in peace, and some of ‘em have to go and screw it up. More than two thousand years of hard work, and they think they can use free will to rewrite what I’ve worked so hard on… I’m done. I’m too old for this [expletive deleted]."

Citing recent events, including the over-commercialization of Christianity by such sources as Mel Gibson, Tim Lahaye and Jerry Jenkins, and the distrust heaped upon "serious" religious pundits like Jerry Falwell and George Herbert Walker Bush (who has stated that "God wants [Bush] to be President"), the Lord calls humanity’s dependence on various religions "sad and hopeless. I let them write their books about Me to keep them busy, but they take Me for granted. They even put words in My mouth; I never told anyone to bash gay people, or anyone else who was ‘different’. Why would I do that? I created them, for My sake!"

God has not yet named a successor, but He has expressed admiration for the work ethic of business mogul Donald Trump. "Nobody can say, ‘you’re fired’, and make it stick, like that guy," said God. "Just wait until some jumped-up radio preacher tries to talk back to him."

God says that he has "a nice place to retire to," but He wants to stay out of the public eye. "I’ll keep tabs on people, but I want My privacy. It’s bad enough that so many prayers fill up My inbox; I don’t want any more Spam. And if one more Jehovan comes to My door asking for money, I’ll just plotz."